Goose Ness Monster T-Shirt

Over the years, myriad theories have been put forth to explain the Loch Ness Monster. Some say Nessie is an ancient plesiosaur that survived extinction. Others say she's simply an overgrown eel. And still others contend that she is Tupac's killer. (That last one's kind of a fringe theory.)

But we think we may have solved the mystery of Nessie once and for all. Using advanced photo-enhancement technology, we have determined that the Loch Ness Monster is, in fact, a goose. And not just any goose. A goose that is estimated to be up to 23 feet long, with webbed feet the size of bicycle tires and a wingspan longer that a Boeing 747.

So why has no one seen this massive "Goose Ness Monster" flying or swimming? Our best guess is that it is a special "submarine" goose that lives under water most of the time and only peaks up occasionally to feed. Scientists believe its diet consists of aquatic vegetation, as well as incredibly large pieces of white bread tossed in the Loch by old ladies.