Horror Film Safety Guide

So you've found yourself in the middle of a horror film. Have no fear! We've compiled a set of simple safety instructions to get you through it alive and unmutilated.

First, let's address that noise. It wasn't the wind. Have you heard wind before? It makes a "whoosh" sound. This sounded like twigs crackling under a foot ⁠— specifically the foot of an axe-wielding maniac who's right behind you. Stop making out, start the car, and drive away.

Speaking of horrible noises, while in a spooky cabin, you may be inclined to investigate them. What's more, you may think to "split up" so you can "cover more ground." Awful idea. This just allows the killer ⁠— and yes, there is a killer ⁠— to pick you off one by one. While that makes for great suspense, it's terrible for your safety. Stick together. Better yet, leave.

On your way to the eerie cabin, you'll likely encounter a "crazy" local, who will warn you not to go any further. Clearly just a deranged lunatic, right? WRONG. Look past the overalls, rotten teeth and maniacal stare. This guy will prove to be right on the money.

Conversely, you know who you should never trust to help you? Authorities of any kind. Cops, FBI, town officials, parents. They are of no use.

There will come a time when you'll need to use a bathroom mirror. Don't. You'll inevitably take your eye off of it for a moment, and when you look back, something terrible will be behind you. Then you'll turn around and it won't be there. Monsters love this trick. Don't give them the opportunity.

We can't believe we have to say this in 2021, but if a sewer clown offers you a gift, just keep on walking.

Remember the Golden Rule: "Don't assume. Kill twice!" Oh, and after you finally kill the thing that's been trying to kill you, do not "hang out" and talk about what a relief it is that it's finally dead. You can celebrate elsewhere.

Finally, if you hear children singing nursery rhymes, exit wherever it is that you are.