The Universe Isn't Trying To Tell You Anything

As the totality of objects and phenomena throughout space, both observed or postulated, I have a pretty full schedule. I'm about 91 billion light years across. I'm home to about three sextillion stars. To put that number in perspective, it's more than all the grains of sand combined on that little spec of cosmic dust you call Earth.

And yet, many of you seem to think I care what happens in your day-to-day lives. Just the other day I overheard this woman talking to her friend. She was trying to text this guy she's been dating off and on, but her texts weren't going through. So her friend says, "Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something." Not jokingly. She said that. I almost did a spit take with my coffee. (Which would have wiped out the Andromeda Galaxy, so luckily I held it together.) Like, yeah totally, I'm the one who stopped that text from going through. It's definitely not the fact that you just had shitty cellphone coverage. Give me a break!

And granted, the guy she's talking about is this dude Jeremy and he's a douchebag who's totally not right for her, but still!